Am I too Sensitive??

Am I too sensitive?? Maybe...

Yesterday I posted something that bothered me on my Facebook wall...I didn't call anyone out by name, just expressing my feelings about what I saw on my news feed and how I found it disturbing..a "friend" posted on their wall in retaliation I guess, that perhaps "people" (me) can't handle the truth and should go live on Sesame Street...the something that bothered me as I scrolled  through my news feed was a picture of an 18 week fetus....this person was trying to make a point regarding abortion...

What this person doesn't understand, is that what I was trying to say is that the picture bothered me...not his abortion stance. I lost a baby at 12 weeks and though I am sure I was never meant to see him, I did, and that little lifeless being was burned into my memory forever...I really think anyone in my shoes would feel the same way and it's really easy to hide behind others and say "I know lots of friends and even my own sisters that have lost babies and they are fine with this picture"...I highly doubt it...many...many people do not see their unborn children....most have early miscarriages before the baby is actually formed. This person has healthy children and has never experienced a loss and I hope never does, and you can get on any soap box you want, I really don't care, but to not have any regard on how that picture might affect others is blatant ignorance..as I've written before, you NEVER know who has fought a battle and while abortion is a serious, serious issue, so is losing a pregnancy, a child, a dream..

Frankly, I would love to live on Sesame Street...it looks a lot better than the "real" world these days...so off I go skipping along singing..."Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street".

The Crazy Aunt

It seems that I am the Aunt to many children these days and I LOVE it!! My best friend's kids call me Aunt Bunny (my unfortunate nickname), a few friends that I work with refer to me as Aunt Mar to their kids, a few of my husband's cousins kids call me Aunt Mary and then of course I have my nieces and nephews that I adore as well.

I love being the crazy silly Aunt that plays games, sings songs and listens to their problems..it makes my heart happy to see these children and my heart hurt when I don't.

I first became an Aunt at the age of 18..my brother and his first wife had a son and I think at the time, I couldn't appreciate being an Aunt to him...we had fun as he grew up and I of course played with him, his brother and other children that my Mother babysat for and I have great memories of those days...but it's nothing like it is now with my niece and nephew and I guess that comes with all the maternal instincts that you gather as you age.

People assume when you don't have kids that you don't like kids and in my case, that couldn't be further from the truth! I adore them and often want to be around them (not in a creepy way). I love their stories when you hear them talking to their friends..I love when they ask you fifteen thousand questions about something and I love seeing their little personalities emerge.

And my most favorite part, the part that I am really good at, is winding them up and sending them home to their parents to deal with..

Altered Life

When an experience changes your life..it's hard to put your emotions into words and convey just how much one word altered your life forever. With infertility we are forced to revisit our losses many times over. The reminders of what might have been are everywhere, every day.

 Society does nothing to acknowledge or accommodate the infertile.. no, it's up to us to accommodate the fertile world. We are forced to adapt, to try to fit in whether it's uncomfortable or not. It's almost like a dirty secret.

As I grow older, I learn that the revisiting of our loss doesn't just come in the form of baby showers,  pregnancy announcements or nursing moms, they also come in the stories of  first birthdays, dance recitals, soccer games, Homecoming, Prom and first dates....we think about all of these things and so wish we could be posting/sharing pics of our kids on Facebook or Instagram instead of being the onlookers...there are days when I wish I had a funny story to share about what my kids did over the weekend or an achievement that they might have accomplished....things that maybe you wouldn't think we think about..but we do....all the time.

When the embryologist in the Czech Republic told us our embryos were among the best looking she'd ever seen, I naturally assumed they'd be brilliant, amazing children. The dreams I had for those sweet, little perfect  embryos were the same dreams that parents have for the children they tuck into bed each night.

But in the "fertile" world, dreams and aspirations for children-to-be don't count. The logic being if you didn't give birth or nurse a child, your loss, like your child, is imaginary. We are simply told to put our big girl pants on, get over it, get a puppy, find a hobby, and just stop thinking about it so much....Oh how I wish it were that easy...