Do you Believe?

I've been asked why my husband and I go all out for Christmas when we don't have children...why wouldn't we?? Life doesn't end because we don't have children..Christmas still comes every year.

The fact is, we enjoy Christmas..not the commercialism but the magic..which I believe is a state of mind..We decorate our house inside and out...top to bottom, we bake cookies, get in our pj's and go look at the lights around the neighborhood..all the things you all do with your kids...the season isn't any less magical because we don't have little ones in our house.

The assumption that we hate this holiday or that this holiday is hard for us..is just that..an assumption..the fact is, there is no great time of year..or time of year that's easier..it's hard all the time really, but we choose to live our lives and not let this define us or wallow in self pity.

We've had our share of sadness on Christmas..my Father in Law died on Christmas morning 16 years ago after a long battle with cancer..I never thought that my husband would ever enjoy the holidays after that..but life went on and I think he loves this time of year more than I do.

For us, in our home..Santa exists...magic exists..children or no children.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy 2014!!

I'd Like Some More Please..

It's sad to me that people complain more than they are grateful..for everything...I truly don't think the average person realizes how lucky they are..not with just being able to have children, but to have a roof over their head, to have food on the table..heat/ac...things that are taken for granted every single day. There is always a complaint about something.

You see these people post on Social Media about how perfect their life is, how great their kids are, etc., but honestly if you look back you see alot of blessings in their lives taken for granted...my husband is a jerk, my kids are driving me crazy, I want a bigger car, house, another baby to complete me....why do we always want more...why can't we just be satisfied with what we have and be thankful?

In the grand scheme of things..as much as I feel cheated in life by not being able to have children..I'm also very thankful for what I do have. People ask me what I want for Christmas..I don't want or need anything..I have everything I need and if I don't, I can go get it..there are people that have nothing, people that are on the verge of losing their jobs or homes or marriages or perhaps just suffered the loss of a child, spouse or parent..if I could have anything, I would want my Dad back for 5 minutes of conversation or my baby back to hold for 5 minutes..those are the things that I would want..

So, during this busy, hectic Holiday season..remember what's important..what you do have..not the Tory Burch purse that you think is pretty...

Am I too Sensitive??

Am I too sensitive?? Maybe...

Yesterday I posted something that bothered me on my Facebook wall...I didn't call anyone out by name, just expressing my feelings about what I saw on my news feed and how I found it disturbing..a "friend" posted on their wall in retaliation I guess, that perhaps "people" (me) can't handle the truth and should go live on Sesame Street...the something that bothered me as I scrolled  through my news feed was a picture of an 18 week fetus....this person was trying to make a point regarding abortion...

What this person doesn't understand, is that what I was trying to say is that the picture bothered me...not his abortion stance. I lost a baby at 12 weeks and though I am sure I was never meant to see him, I did, and that little lifeless being was burned into my memory forever...I really think anyone in my shoes would feel the same way and it's really easy to hide behind others and say "I know lots of friends and even my own sisters that have lost babies and they are fine with this picture"...I highly doubt it...many...many people do not see their unborn children....most have early miscarriages before the baby is actually formed. This person has healthy children and has never experienced a loss and I hope never does, and you can get on any soap box you want, I really don't care, but to not have any regard on how that picture might affect others is blatant ignorance..as I've written before, you NEVER know who has fought a battle and while abortion is a serious, serious issue, so is losing a pregnancy, a child, a dream..

Frankly, I would love to live on Sesame Street...it looks a lot better than the "real" world these days...so off I go skipping along singing..."Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street".

The Crazy Aunt

It seems that I am the Aunt to many children these days and I LOVE it!! My best friend's kids call me Aunt Bunny (my unfortunate nickname), a few friends that I work with refer to me as Aunt Mar to their kids, a few of my husband's cousins kids call me Aunt Mary and then of course I have my nieces and nephews that I adore as well.

I love being the crazy silly Aunt that plays games, sings songs and listens to their problems..it makes my heart happy to see these children and my heart hurt when I don't.

I first became an Aunt at the age of 18..my brother and his first wife had a son and I think at the time, I couldn't appreciate being an Aunt to him...we had fun as he grew up and I of course played with him, his brother and other children that my Mother babysat for and I have great memories of those days...but it's nothing like it is now with my niece and nephew and I guess that comes with all the maternal instincts that you gather as you age.

People assume when you don't have kids that you don't like kids and in my case, that couldn't be further from the truth! I adore them and often want to be around them (not in a creepy way). I love their stories when you hear them talking to their friends..I love when they ask you fifteen thousand questions about something and I love seeing their little personalities emerge.

And my most favorite part, the part that I am really good at, is winding them up and sending them home to their parents to deal with..

Altered Life

When an experience changes your life..it's hard to put your emotions into words and convey just how much one word altered your life forever. With infertility we are forced to revisit our losses many times over. The reminders of what might have been are everywhere, every day.

 Society does nothing to acknowledge or accommodate the infertile.. no, it's up to us to accommodate the fertile world. We are forced to adapt, to try to fit in whether it's uncomfortable or not. It's almost like a dirty secret.

As I grow older, I learn that the revisiting of our loss doesn't just come in the form of baby showers,  pregnancy announcements or nursing moms, they also come in the stories of  first birthdays, dance recitals, soccer games, Homecoming, Prom and first dates....we think about all of these things and so wish we could be posting/sharing pics of our kids on Facebook or Instagram instead of being the onlookers...there are days when I wish I had a funny story to share about what my kids did over the weekend or an achievement that they might have accomplished....things that maybe you wouldn't think we think about..but we do....all the time.

When the embryologist in the Czech Republic told us our embryos were among the best looking she'd ever seen, I naturally assumed they'd be brilliant, amazing children. The dreams I had for those sweet, little perfect  embryos were the same dreams that parents have for the children they tuck into bed each night.

But in the "fertile" world, dreams and aspirations for children-to-be don't count. The logic being if you didn't give birth or nurse a child, your loss, like your child, is imaginary. We are simply told to put our big girl pants on, get over it, get a puppy, find a hobby, and just stop thinking about it so much....Oh how I wish it were that easy...

What Dreams May Come

I find myself sometimes dreaming of the baby boy I lost...had we not lost him, he would have turned 11 this year. What would he look like...would he have my husband's dark hair, Italian/Serbian complexion or his dreamy chocolate eyes? Or would he have some of my features...green eyes, lighter hair, lighter skin..freckles maybe? We will never know the answer to these questions, but that's what dreams are for.

I envision him looking a lot like my husband and having my green eyes...he's a sweet boy, never talks back...I know, I know, but it's my dream..he's an honor student, plays golf really well like his Dad and is well liked among his peers. He doesn't roll his eyes when I try to snuggle with him or push me away when I try to kiss his sweet face...he's a good boy all around and we are so proud of him.

In reality, he may have been a handful if he were anything like I hear my husband was ( I don't think I was a handful but maybe my Mom might have a different opinion on that). At the time of my pregnancy, we were thinking of the name William and calling him Will..my husband didn't want him named after him, after all, he is George, my Dad was a George and my Father in Law was a George...too many in just one small family..I'm sure his name would have not stayed Will...but that is what he will be forever known as to us.

A piece of that sweet baby boy will always be with me..I can still see him on the Ultra Sound moving around, doing flips and then a sweet hand came up and gave us a wave...

The Blame Game

My husband has never blamed me for not being able to give him children..never once, and I am very lucky in that regard. I have seen marriages ripped apart due to Infertility and blaming one another. Going through this has only made us stronger and I am and will be forever grateful for this man.

There was a time that I blamed myself...for the loss of our son, and then for my mangled tubes and my inability to ever conceive naturally...I felt guilty for having to spend money to get me pregnant and then when it didn't work, I felt even worse...Infertility can really beat you up...you feel like you're not a woman because you can't do the one thing God made your body to do...you carry ALOT of guilt, shame, and then comes insecurity followed by depression. I'm not going to lie and say our marriage was always roses and sunshine while we were going through all of this, but somehow someway we worked it out and our love was stronger than all the demons that Infertility brought into our life.

There are still times that I feel bad for my husband...there will be no one to carry on the family name and that insecure part of me creeps back in and thinks maybe I should walk away from our marriage so that he can find someone who can give him a child..he's still young and he would be an amazing father..but that creepy demon is put back into the depths of my mind with the reassurance of his love for me and commitment to our life together.

The Evil Pee Stick

The Home Pregnancy Test...the mere sight of it actually makes me sick to my stomach. Even the thought of it makes me break out into a cold sweat as I feel the blood drain from my body. Funny, such a tiny innocent looking little stick, can still  turn me into a puddle of nerves. Far worse than any horror movie I've ever seen, this little white stick, is by far, the scariest thing I have ever laid eyes on.

You see, I have a long complicated history with home pregnancy sticks. Yes, me and pee sticks go way back. I have peed on so many sticks I can't even count them. I have bought more pregnancy sticks than any one person should. Dare I say, that in fact, I was an addict. I have taken it out of the box, hopeful, every single time, peed, and then waited on pins and needles for the longest three minutes in history, while my fate came into focus. And all but twice in my trying to conceive history, it was as white as the driven snow.

I usually started peeing on the early response sticks five days before my expected period or beta (blood test) when we were trying on our own. And when the first one showed up white, I convinced myself it's because it's too early, which everyone will tell you that it is. So I continued to pee every single day, until finally, my period showed up or my beta confirmed it. It was like a sick love affair with the wrong guy. The guy who keeps breaking your heart, over and over, but you can't seem to shake. I kept letting him back into my life, to play with my emotions, believing that this time will be different, this time he will change, and every single month, over and over, he broke my heart into a million little pieces.

I have come to hate the women on TV commercials that plug these products...so much so, that still to this day, I mimick them and want to throw things at the TV..crazy I know...but sadly true.

There Are Days..

There are days when I don't think about my infertility and inability to have children but honestly those days are far and few between and although I am trying to accept this childless life..it's not easy. I adore children and I get so mad sometimes that I was cheated...that every door we tried to open slammed in our faces...and I just want to scream like a child or stomp my feet and say "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hear women complain about their children and abuse them, I see on the news that babies are abandoned or killed by their teen mothers and I wonder how in the world did these people deserve a child when they clearly couldn't appreciate the gift they were given and I WOULD have killed FOR a baby...I just really don't get it!

I fantasize all the time about having a newborn, what it must be like..the sounds they make, watching them sleep, having them snuggle into the crook of your neck and it seriously breaks my heart that I will never know that feeling and then after I have a good cry, I get mad...really mad, and really there's no point...it's never going to change..why do I waste that energy?? Because I feel cheated!!

As much progress as I think I have made in this acceptance phase, there are days when I wish it could still happen, that I could still get that phone call that says.."we have a baby for you"...

You Want to Have a Baby?? It Will Cost You..

If you are one of the lucky one's in the fertile world, you got to have your babies for free..you only have the expense of raising them..for those less fortunate, it will cost thousands..and that's if it works the first time.

The cost to do IVF in the US is $8,000 - $15,000 with the national average being $12,400..in most cases, this is NOT covered by your health insurance. If you need to use Donor Eggs with your IVF, you are looking at $20,000 to $28,000, also not covered by your health insurance.

When you mention to someone struggling through Infertility "Just Adopt" or "go find a Surrogate"..sounds easy enough right?, but do you know how much that costs??

Domestic Adoption can run from $20,000 to $55,000 and varies from agency to agency as well as state to state. International Adoption can run from $30,000 to $65,000 and varies on the country.

Surrogacy is also crazy expensive...it helps to have a loving friend or family member offer to do this for you...a lot to ask, but saves you thousands!! Here is the breakdown of a Surrogacy cycle:

$ 7,900 Agency Fee

$20,000 Surrogate Fee (first time surrogate. Experienced surrogate will ask a higher fee, typically $25,000 to $35,000.)

$500 to $3,500 Surrogate travel ($500 to $3500, depending on how many times your clinic wants to see her and how long she must stay. If surrogate in same state and close enough to drive this will also reduce this expense)

Surrogate extras: (these fees can vary depending on the surrogate).

$ 750 Transfer fee (for undergoing the IVF procedure)

$ 600 Maternity clothes
$ 300 Life Insurance

$500 to $1000 Invasive Procedure (if Surrogate must undergo Selective Reduction, Termination, D & C, Amniocentesis, etc)

$4,000 Loss of Reproductive Organ (Varies. Some surrogates will ask for compensation if they lose a reproductive organ)

$5000 Multiples (per additional fetus she carries)

$ 250/month Monthly Allowance (for vitamins, local travel, co pays,etc. Starts with contracts and ends three months after birth.

Lost Wages: Varies

$ 500 Psych Evaluation (experienced surrogate will already have had this done)

$ 7,250 Attorney Fees (Varies from one attorney to another. Typically $3000 to draft, $750 to review with surrogate, $3500 for pre birth order . Most attorneys charge this fee, some are slightly less, some slightly higher)

TOTAL ANTICIPATED FEES for Surrogacy: $40,900 to $62,900 (higher end would be if using experienced surrogate and she asks a higher fee, if she conceives multiples, if she's out of state and travels, if she loses reproductive organ, etc. This total does not include possibility of surrogate ending up on bed rest and needing lost wages, childcare, and does not include medical expenses.)

But wait....there's more added to this...

Cost of surrogate meds and IVF procedure:

Surrogate meds: approx. $4,000

IVF Procedure: approx. $5,000 - $12,000 (can be somewhat lower/higher...depends on clinic you choose and their fees)

Surrogate monitoring: $1,000 (if surrogate is out of state, a clinic close to her will perform her first few monitoring appts. This minimizes the amount of time she must travel, thereby minimizing your expense. This does not end up costing you more, because your clinic will do a few less, and should offset their charges accordingly)

Surrogate testing: $2,000

Intended Parent testing: $2000 (varies depending on if your insurance covers this or not. This includes STD testing, semen analysis and anything else your clinic feels is necessary.)

Total Estimated Medical Expenses: $ 14,000 to $21,000 (This total does not include possibility of having to undergo FET if first IVF is not successful, etc.)

So you are looking at nearly $80k to use a surrogate...CRAZY!!!!!!!! So, not so easy, unless you have this kind of money hanging around.

My goal is to start a non profit foundation to help couples afford whatever they chose to do to have a family..I wish something like that would have been available for us, but now that our journey is over, I would love to help people in the same situation. If you have any ideas on where I need to start, I would love to hear from you..

All Alone?

I get asked all the time if we are going to be lonely when we're old...well,...I don't have that answer...but I really hope not. We are an active couple, and have lots of interests and I don't see that changing over the years. We are at this point fulfilled with our lives and barring some unforseen illness I pray it stays that way.

Having children in no way guarantees that you will not be lonely when you are older. Kids move away, get married and start families of their own...why would anyone want their child to stay around them just because they might be lonely someday? To me that is the most selfish reason to have children.

We have a bucket list of things we want to see, do and accomplish and the fact that we aren't going to have children now, allows us the time and money to do these things and quite honestly, it excites me and I never thought I would feel this way..I always figured I would feel as if something was missing by not having children, but I'm learning through this process of acceptance that I will not die from not having kids, that I will still have a life to do what I want and so the saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is really true....at least for me..

Just Adopt

Just Adopt....two simple words...seems easy enough, there are a lot of kids out there that need loving parents and a good home, right?? While you are very right, it just isn't that easy.

After our failed Donor Egg attempt, it was time to regroup and figure what our next move would be..do we try again and risk our emotions if it failed, or do we move on to the sure thing..adoption? It was not a decision to take lightly so we sat on it for a bit..probably longer than we should have..in the meantime, I was still buying into the miracle stories..maybe I would get pregnant by some odd twist of fate...and I did..but being that I was 42 and I was told my eggs were bad, it was what they call a Chemical Pregnancy...if you weren't trying to get pregnant, you would never know about this because it happens really early and your period is just late...another blow..I was really getting tired of all the gut wrenching emotions trying to have a baby was causing me and we decided to just live life and see what happened.

About a year or so later, I contacted an Adoption Agency to see where we needed to start because the desire was still so strong for me to be a Mom..I was told that I was too old and that Birthmothers' often liked to give their babies to couples in their early 30's...ouch! I tried to plead my case but she told me to consider International Adoption since it was age friendly..I contacted 2 more domestic agencies and was told the exact same thing....getting a newborn at my age would likely be impossible.

Let me just say, I have nothing against International Adoption, it is a wonderful option and have seen many friends realize their dream of having a child this way, but I just couldn't wrap my head around it...it never seemed right for us, and honestly, I felt cheated and I wanted a newborn..selfish I know.

As more time passed, I started to panic a little...where on earth do we go with this...domestic agencies won't consider us...do I just hang out outside of a local high school and approach the first knocked up teen I see??  My logic took over and decided that was not a great idea, so I contacted a local Adoption Attorney and was basically told that they could take my money but I needed to do all the work..advertise, start a website, create fliers...so I did..I bought books on how to market ourselves and went to work!

I sent out our postcards to every Ob/GYN office in town, every local high school guidance counselor, churches...you name it, I sent it there..I created a website and I have to say, it was pretty good..I linked it everywhere I could...but got nothing...nothing!! And so after several months, my husband asked me to take it down and stop all efforts..he felt like we were prostituting ourselves and I have to admit..he was right.

Finally, I got a phone call from my husband's cousin, who is an OB/GYN in our hometown...she had a patient that at that time was around 16 weeks pregnant or so and wanted to give the baby up because she had other children at home and just couldn't afford another...GREAT!!!!! This was it, it was finally going to happen...or was it??

The Birthmother had no prenatal care up to that point and was addicted to Methadone among other drugs..I began researching drug addicted babies, asked some nurse friends who worked in the neonatal unit about what they thought, and saw in other like babies...we needed to really think about this and wait for her 20 week ultrasound to see if the baby had certain markers...in the meantime, my Dad became very ill and we were called home...he died in January of 2012...the baby honestly was the last thing on my mind.

The baby was born 6 weeks early, and she had a lot of problems because of the Methadone as well as being premature and we had to pass on the adoption..we had never signed anything, never met with the mother, but my husband's cousin thought we would want her so she called us first. I felt awful about that sweet baby...all alone in the hospital's neonatal unit withdrawing from drugs...it broke my heart...I understand that she was adopted shortly after by a loving couple, so that does make me feel better....later, after beating myself up for rejecting this baby, I remembered praying...."please god, please just send a baby to us"...I never asked for the baby to be healthy...I learned a lot from that...be careful what you pray for...God IS listening!!

Alternate Routes

First let me just say, I am a HUGE proponent of using Donor Eggs to complete your family and I am grateful that this is an option but, when you are seated across from a Doctor and he’s telling you that you will never have your own biological child..it’s heartbreaking..and you must go through the grieving process before you can move forward..at least I did.

I wanted to be a Mom for as long as I can remember…well, not just A mom…I wanted to be a Mom to MY child. Having been adopted as a baby, I never got what other people got…a connection. Most of my friends knew who they looked like, who’s eyes they had or chin…I didn’t…and I wanted so badly a chance to have that connection with my own kids and I never wanted any child of mine to not know where they came from or who’s eyes they had.

Being adopted comes with stigma, fear of abandonment, rejection and it was not easy growing up and not fitting in with your family. I know that my adoptive parents loved me, that was never the issue, the issue for me was the genetic connection..who’s eyes did I have, who’s nose?  I didn’t look like my parents…they both had blue eyes and our noses were very different and the only way I would ever have that was through my children.

But that was not to be and time was ticking and I had too much love inside me and knew I could love any baby, especially my husband's…I grieved my never to be born genetic children and began researching IVF using Donor Eggs..I poured over statistics at local clinics and made my appointment at the “Big” clinic here in Charlotte…I met with a sterile Doctor with no personality that told me that I had a year long wait to find a donor at their clinic and if I would like to move forward, to please pay a deposit on my way out..uh…no thank you…Just about the same time, a story was on MSN of a couple who had started a company in Ohio that took people to the Czech Republic for Donor Egg IVF..it was like a vacation, you got to site see and get IVF for way cheaper than you could ever do it in the states…I was all over this!!

I found a support board with women who had already gone over and had wonderful experiences with not only the vacation part but with the clinic and the Doctor…I was sold..now I just needed to get my husband on board.

Once my husband looked everything over, we contacted the agency, put down our deposit and we were ready to go..The donor process is much quicker over there as they have several universities that they recruit the donors from..you send the clinic a picture of you and your husband and your “wish” list and they match you up with a girl pretty quickly.

Getting ready for the cycle was fun…NOT!! Being that you are not at the clinic, you have to inject yourself with the appropriate meds and I have never done anything like that in my life…AND, I’m deathly afraid of needles…but this shot had to happen and no one else would do it so I had to put my big girl pants on and jam that needle into my leg..I did it…(still not sure how) and to mess with my husband..I had a lot of blood on my shirt from where I cut myself opening the meds bottle but he didn’t know that, so I went downstairs and I swear he nearly fainted when he saw the blood..and I just simply said to him..”told you I didn’t know what I was doing”…it was mean but necessary.

It was time for us to leave..we were so excited….nervous but excited! We were armed with translation books, meds, dvds to watch since we were told there was only 1 English tv channel..CNN, I think and warm clothing..it was November in the Czech Republic.

Once we arrived at our Pension (hotel), we met several other American couples that were there for treatment as well and became fast friends with most of them.

On our first appointment visit to the clinic, we were told that our Donor needed more time to “stim” and that our retrieval would be delayed a few days..we were told this was normal and not to worry…easy for them to say…

Retrieval day came and we were told that the procedure had to be stopped as our “Proven” 23 year old Donor had only produced 1 egg…that’s right..1!!  My husband wanted to cancel the rest of the trip and go home but I wanted to see if that 1 egg fertilized..that might just be our baby!! We were assured that our Donor would have 8 eggs the next day, no problem..and we believed this because we needed to and we were several thousand miles away and several thousand dollars in to the trip..

The next day, we were told that they retrieved another 8 eggs from her and that 7 fertilized including the 1 from the day before and that once they divided, we had 3 excellent eggs that they would transfer into me…as the procedure started, I remember it being quite painful, to the point of tears…I was doing my best to think positive but it really hurt. I was also concerned that I didn’t get to see the procedure on the big screen as others did..that was a red flag as were other things that happened.

Flash forward a few weeks…the week of Thanksgiving actually..we found out that we were not pregnant…I could barely contain myself as I talked to the nurse on the phone..my husband just held me as I sobbed..I just couldn’t believe it didn’t work…in my heart of hearts, one of two things happened…there were no embryos transferred (in the IVF world, you don’t go from having 1 egg to 8 eggs the next day..it doesn’t happen and I believe the donor screwed up) or it was just bad luck…I guess we will never know now, but I could never bring myself to do another cycle…my fear was greater than my want and I didn’t want to ever experience that pain again...so we decide to move on to adoption....a sure thing...right?? Wrong....

A Day In The Life

Infertility is not something I would wish on anyone but for those of you that have never experienced it, it might be good for you to understand what I, and others like me have gone through to try and conceive a baby.

We all know how this works...you meet the man of your dreams, you get married and you get pregnant right? WRONG!!!  If you are one of the "lucky" ones and it worked this way for you, good for you..god bless! But for some of us, we need help and a lot of money!

When we started trying for our family, I never thought for a second there would be a problem, but by the 5th month of trying and nothing was happening, I started to panic. I was told by two different doctors to relax and quit trying so hard, that it would happen..neither of them did any tests and told me to come back in a year if I still hadn't gotten pregnant....a year?? Didn't they hear my clock ticking away...I was 35, not exactly a spring chicken when it comes to getting pregnant as I would learn.

I invested in Ovulation Predictor Kits, Thermometers, books, supplements, not to mention all the pregnancy tests, went online to "talk" to other women in the same boat...my life became consumed with trying to have a baby...sex became "timed"..it became a job more or less and I never thought for a minute about how my husband felt about all of this..I was a crazy lady on a mission!!

Finally after a self induced break (we moved to Arizona), I became pregnant...woohoo!! I was on top of the world but after 12 weeks, we learned that the baby was not in my uterus but in my right tube and would have to be terminated to save my life...I not only lost my one and only baby, but my fertility as well. It was a lot to take in and sent me into a deep downward spiral of depression.

We learned that my remaining Fallopian Tube was damaged beyond repair and that it would be a miracle if I ever were to get pregnant again...I believe it was less than a 2% chance. We met with specialists and were told that the only way we could have a baby at this point was through IVF since it bypassed the Fallopian Tubes... ok, great when do we start?? Not so fast.....as we started all the tests required for IVF, we received another blow...I had limited egg quantity left...what?? wait, I'm only 36, how can this be??? The technical term is called Premature Ovarian Failure....our chances went from 20% with IVF to less than 5% with my old eggs, but they would be happy to take our money if we wanted to try..all  for the low, low price of $25K. 

I remember sitting in the car after we left the specialist's office with all the words that we were just told swirling in my head...we couldn't even talk to each other..years later when I saw the movie "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" and Jennifer Garner's character basically gets the same news, I must have had that same look on my face..we were devastated.

Now comes the part where a miracle is supposed to happen..because everyone knows someone who knows someone that had the same thing happen and they got pregnant so you of course buy into that because you are so desperate for a baby you start to believe it can happen for you too...so the whole vicious cycle starts all over again...tracking your temperature, buying ovulation kits, and timed sex all in the hopes that a miracle will happen....and it never does and then you accept that the miracle is not going to happen and start saving your money to do IVF.

It doesn't always work the first time...are you kidding me???!!! I used a 23 year old's eggs and it didn't work...someone kill me now...all the money, all the drugs, all the time and it just was explained as bad luck..I am still scratching my head about that and it's been 5 years..

I will say that for those of you that are fortunate enough not to go through this roller coaster of Infertility..be mindful of blurting out "We only did it once" or "We weren't even trying" with a giggle..you never know who is listening and going through the hell that I went through.

You're a Family?

Someone said to me recently “You don’t understand, you don’t have a family, it’s just you and your husband”…ouch!! That stings a bit and when someone is stupid enough to say things like this, I really would like to hurt them. …if you look up the definition of a family in the dictionary it states “a family is a group of individuals living under one roof”.

It doesn’t make us any less of a family because there aren’t children in our home. We’ve heard statements from others like “Christmas is only for children, you must feel so lonely”. The assumption is that a family has to have or needs children, or that a couple without children is a childless couple rather than a family. This could not be further from the truth…if you knew us, you would know what big kids we are when it comes to the holidays, we “Griswold” up our house as if we did have kids and honestly, we never feel lonely..we have plenty of little ones in our lives that give us joy and it seems the older I get, the happier I am that I can send them back to their parents and have my peaceful life back.

I’m learning throughout this acceptance process, that you can still live a very fulfilled life without having children. Being married without kids allows you to really get to know yourself and your spouse on a more intimate level. Your time and attention aren’t divided, allowing you to devote yourself more fully to your spouse and to the things you enjoy together. That’s always a plus!

We did not choose this childless life, it is what’s been handed to us, but we are making the best of it and neither my husband or myself feel less of a person because it didn’t happen…our life is just as important as those with children.

Finding Purpose

Sometimes I feel like all of the plans I have made for my future mean nothing if I can't be a mom. There are days when I feel stuck, like my purpose is slipping away. If I am not meant to be a mom, what then will I be? How could I bring any value into the world when my perception of my future included children and that dream is escaping me?

Finding My Purpose.....

When you are struggling with infertility and facing childlessness, you start to question your very purpose on this planet and the role you are intended to play. You sort of drift from thing to thing, trying to find contentment but it doesn't come.

So how do we know when we have found our purpose?

1). It brings you great joy when you do it.

2). Time ceases to exist when you do it.

3). Your purpose serves other beings.

4). You feel a bit of magic as you progress on the path. This is the universe smiling upon you.

For me, I've come to realize that writing this Blog makes me feel this way. 

A few years back, after going through the Donor Egg IVF process ourselves, I felt a need to want to help other couples like myself and my husband. I opened my own Egg Donation Agency and named it appropriately "The Greatest Gift". I was able to help one couple from Canada realize their dream and it made me so incredibly happy and I can honestly say that I had all of the "telltale" signs. I would still like to help couples going through Infertility in some capacity and I just don't know what that is yet...but I'm working on it and I hope to share more in the future.

The Glamorous Life?

Living childless in the suburbs can be lonely. Most of the friends we've made in our neighborhood have small children and they have friends in the neighborhood with children the same age, so we don't exactly fit in or get many invites to birthday parties, family-friendly barbecues or game night.

I think they may have this glamorized picture of the child free as partying every weekend night till the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping off our hangovers all day long on Sunday or Jet setting to some exotic local. That is not exactly the life we have or want. My husband and I enjoy quiet nights out on our deck, listening to music, sipping wine and when weather permits, a nice fire...hardly the club scene. Most nights, even on the weekends, we are asleep no later than 10 pm...boring by some standards, but it works for us.

In accepting that we aren't going to have children, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately about what I will  do with my life now that I'm not going to be a mother, and I guess the answer is that I will  be doing pretty much the same as I am now, it's just finding the time to do everything I would love to do and also put away the chatter in my head that I've had for the last 12 years about all the things I've put off in waiting for a baby to come. The upside in all of this, is that I’ll most likely still enjoy this freedom ten years from now when my children would have been hitting their teen years and I would have been seriously considering running away. 

So while we won’t be sustaining the stereotype of the jet-setting child free couple, we will be doing something important; we’ll be making the most of what’s turning out to be a very satisfying, if not especially glamorous, life.

A Little Taste

I guess a lot can be said for NOT having kids..you can sleep in, travel, go to nice restaurants ( I'm not talking Olive Garden) and just be...no taking Suzy to soccer practice or Tommy to baseball...no pressures to get everything done in one day because you work, your husband works and the kids are pulling you every direction.

This week I have had my 8 year old niece with me and it is hard work!! She is a good girl and I have enjoyed her company but being responsible for her is time consuming..not that I didn't think it wouldn't be but it's little things that you don't think of when you don't have kids...make sure they brush their teeth, feed them, entertain them, give them snacks, play with them, get them dressed, make sure they change their underwear...not things I am used to doing on a daily basis for anyone other than myself.

I have a new appreciation for parenting and my hat is off to you all...I have come to the conclusion that I like my life and it works for us...as much as I adore my niece, I also adore my space, peace and quiet. I'm sure had I had children, I would have adapted, but being that it didn't happen and I don't really have to adapt... it kind of makes me happy and content.

I'm making progress in this journey, I never thought I would be here...today, it's good to be me..

The Green Eyed Monster

Dealing with Infertility puts you into a dark place sometimes...you can experience depression, loneliness, helplessness and yes, even "The Green Eyed Monster" called Jealousy.

For me, dealing with infertility put me in a state of constant jealously. I was jealous of the pregnant woman in the grocery store. I envied the woman I saw in the mall with a bunch of kids, thinking, she gets four? Four? And I can’t even have ONE?

Every pregnancy, every impending announcement and every child that was born into this world that wasn't mine, seemed to chip away at my soul. I took everything personally.

My co-worker and friend had gotten married and I knew it was just a matter of time before she made her announcement..I would go over my reaction to the news several times in my head so that I got it right and that it didn't appear to be bitchy or over the top sappy.

She and another co-worker would talk when they had a chance about getting pregnant, where they would deliver, baby names, etc., and I would be screaming inside...shut up, shut up..I just wanted it to stop and I wanted to disappear...I even contemplated quitting my job.

When that day came...I honestly don't remember what I said or did...I went numb..I began to hate going to work because I knew once it was announced in the office, everyone all day long would be congratulating her (which of course they should have been) and it would be baby talk 8 hours of my day, every day, for the next 6 months.

I remember feeling horrible that I may have been putting a damper on her good news...well, there's no maybe, I know I did and I adore this girl and to this day it sickens me that I reacted that way.

My jealousy had gotten so bad that I had to go and talk to a therapist about how I was feeling about HER news...pretty pathetic huh??

The fact that this woman is still friends with me, blows me away....she is the most understanding, forgiving, compassionate person I know...I'm not so sure I would have been that way if the roles were reversed and she reacted that way to me.

Fast forward 2 years later and this same friend is pregnant again. We no longer work day to day together, but when she announced her pregnancy this time, a different person showed up that day and gave her the biggest hug and heartfelt congratulations that I never knew I was capable of doing...ever.

Healing is a beautiful thing..

God's Plan??

Maybe this is God's plan for you. Over the years, I have often heard this and other hurtful comments. While I am sure they are not intended that way by most, they in fact are.

I don't believe that God did not want me to be a Mother or my husband a Father. I would have rocked  at being a Mom! There's alot of things in life that I am unsure of and this is NOT one of them.

When you read a story in the paper or see on the news that a mother or father killed their children for what ever reason..that's Gods plan? Really? Or is it God's plan to "give" someone cancer?? I just don't think so and I will never be convinced that it is..it's called life...and it's not always pretty and bad things really do happen to good people and I'm sorry, it's not because it's God's plan.

So,if you know someone who is going through this, keep this in mind as what NOT to say to someone facing Infertility and Childlessness:

 "God has another plan for you. God doesn't want you to be pregnant," Please, please, I beg you, unless God has phoned you up or shown up in your living room with choirs of angels, would you please do me a favor and not be a spokes person for any deity on my behalf. 

 Another of the God ones that should to go unsaid: "Maybe God knew you wouldn't have made a good parent." "God" gives all types of incompetent people children. I know MANY parents that any higher power in its right mind would have never chosen them to care for a houseplant let alone a helpless child.

"You can be a mother to my kids." I know people mean well by this. But, to those of you who say such things, let me tell you that babysitting for your kids is not the same thing as being a parent. It just isn't...and it's really not funny, you may be joking around about it, but it's hurtful all the same.

"Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")

Of course we have...it's not an easy "fix". Adoption is expensive and also emotionally draining. You have to have strangers come into your home, get bio's on you and your husband, references from other people who have witnessed you around children and testify to your character, you have to have your bank accounts/tax returns scrutinized and then be drilled on how you would parent...if that's not enough, you then have to "sell" yourself to a Birth mother, hoping she picks you to raise her child...sound like fun?? Then after your profile "sits" for a while, you are then told you are too old to be picked, that Birth mothers like to give their kids to younger parents...ouch! Then there's foreign adoption which can take years and is even more expensive and you don't get a newborn, you get a toddler in most cases that you don't have any idea what that child may have seen or been through, and for us, it just wasn't the route we wanted to go.

"Get over it, you're making us uncomfortable." I am really sorry for your uncomfortableness, it's not our intention at all...but if you think about it, you asking us to go to dinner with you and your kids, or attend a baby shower or birthday party for your sweet angel, makes us just as uncomfortable.

I am not likely to "just" get over it. This is a wound and emptiness that may be with me forever and something you will never experience (I hope). My inability to produce children has emotional and social consequences that I struggle with, at least to some extent, every day.

My husband and I have survived what is probably one of the biggest challenges we may ever face as a couple and we are still standing. And if I bring the right attitude, every day presents new opportunities to have a happy, fulfilling life as a woman/wife who is not a mother.

If you ask me if I have children and I tell you we couldn't, a simple "I'm sorry" will do -- there is no need for follow up questions, advice or jokes. If I want to tell you more, I will.

In writing this blog, I am for the first time acknowledging my own strength and courage in living with infertility and finally making the decision to be child free.

Reality Bites

TTC...3 simple letters that have defined a decade of my life...a decade!!!  What started out as a beautiful dream of having children with my Prince Charming, turned into a nightmare that includes, a pregnancy, a loss of a pregnancy, a diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure, mangled Fallopian Tubes, Fertility Drugs, failed treatments using my eggs and donor eggs, marital problems, and a failed adoption..whew..I think that about covers it...Oh, did I mention premature menopause at age 44..yep, let's throw that into this mess...at least when I was still cycling there was a chance for that miracle everyone tells you about, now it's final, there will be no miracle.

So now at 47 years old...where do I go from here? How do I pick up the pieces and live my life? Great questions that I don't have the answers to just yet....but I'm working on it and that is what this blog is going to be about...putting my life, our life, back together.

Although the world is full of suffering,

it is full also of the overcoming of it.- Helen Keller

If you are also on this journey, please check out this site for great information and support.

http://www.silentsorority.com/