What Dreams May Come

I find myself sometimes dreaming of the baby boy I lost...had we not lost him, he would have turned 11 this year. What would he look like...would he have my husband's dark hair, Italian/Serbian complexion or his dreamy chocolate eyes? Or would he have some of my features...green eyes, lighter hair, lighter skin..freckles maybe? We will never know the answer to these questions, but that's what dreams are for.

I envision him looking a lot like my husband and having my green eyes...he's a sweet boy, never talks back...I know, I know, but it's my dream..he's an honor student, plays golf really well like his Dad and is well liked among his peers. He doesn't roll his eyes when I try to snuggle with him or push me away when I try to kiss his sweet face...he's a good boy all around and we are so proud of him.

In reality, he may have been a handful if he were anything like I hear my husband was ( I don't think I was a handful but maybe my Mom might have a different opinion on that). At the time of my pregnancy, we were thinking of the name William and calling him Will..my husband didn't want him named after him, after all, he is George, my Dad was a George and my Father in Law was a George...too many in just one small family..I'm sure his name would have not stayed Will...but that is what he will be forever known as to us.

A piece of that sweet baby boy will always be with me..I can still see him on the Ultra Sound moving around, doing flips and then a sweet hand came up and gave us a wave...

The Blame Game

My husband has never blamed me for not being able to give him children..never once, and I am very lucky in that regard. I have seen marriages ripped apart due to Infertility and blaming one another. Going through this has only made us stronger and I am and will be forever grateful for this man.

There was a time that I blamed myself...for the loss of our son, and then for my mangled tubes and my inability to ever conceive naturally...I felt guilty for having to spend money to get me pregnant and then when it didn't work, I felt even worse...Infertility can really beat you up...you feel like you're not a woman because you can't do the one thing God made your body to do...you carry ALOT of guilt, shame, and then comes insecurity followed by depression. I'm not going to lie and say our marriage was always roses and sunshine while we were going through all of this, but somehow someway we worked it out and our love was stronger than all the demons that Infertility brought into our life.

There are still times that I feel bad for my husband...there will be no one to carry on the family name and that insecure part of me creeps back in and thinks maybe I should walk away from our marriage so that he can find someone who can give him a child..he's still young and he would be an amazing father..but that creepy demon is put back into the depths of my mind with the reassurance of his love for me and commitment to our life together.

The Evil Pee Stick

The Home Pregnancy Test...the mere sight of it actually makes me sick to my stomach. Even the thought of it makes me break out into a cold sweat as I feel the blood drain from my body. Funny, such a tiny innocent looking little stick, can still  turn me into a puddle of nerves. Far worse than any horror movie I've ever seen, this little white stick, is by far, the scariest thing I have ever laid eyes on.

You see, I have a long complicated history with home pregnancy sticks. Yes, me and pee sticks go way back. I have peed on so many sticks I can't even count them. I have bought more pregnancy sticks than any one person should. Dare I say, that in fact, I was an addict. I have taken it out of the box, hopeful, every single time, peed, and then waited on pins and needles for the longest three minutes in history, while my fate came into focus. And all but twice in my trying to conceive history, it was as white as the driven snow.

I usually started peeing on the early response sticks five days before my expected period or beta (blood test) when we were trying on our own. And when the first one showed up white, I convinced myself it's because it's too early, which everyone will tell you that it is. So I continued to pee every single day, until finally, my period showed up or my beta confirmed it. It was like a sick love affair with the wrong guy. The guy who keeps breaking your heart, over and over, but you can't seem to shake. I kept letting him back into my life, to play with my emotions, believing that this time will be different, this time he will change, and every single month, over and over, he broke my heart into a million little pieces.

I have come to hate the women on TV commercials that plug these products...so much so, that still to this day, I mimick them and want to throw things at the TV..crazy I know...but sadly true.

There Are Days..

There are days when I don't think about my infertility and inability to have children but honestly those days are far and few between and although I am trying to accept this childless life..it's not easy. I adore children and I get so mad sometimes that I was cheated...that every door we tried to open slammed in our faces...and I just want to scream like a child or stomp my feet and say "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hear women complain about their children and abuse them, I see on the news that babies are abandoned or killed by their teen mothers and I wonder how in the world did these people deserve a child when they clearly couldn't appreciate the gift they were given and I WOULD have killed FOR a baby...I just really don't get it!

I fantasize all the time about having a newborn, what it must be like..the sounds they make, watching them sleep, having them snuggle into the crook of your neck and it seriously breaks my heart that I will never know that feeling and then after I have a good cry, I get mad...really mad, and really there's no point...it's never going to change..why do I waste that energy?? Because I feel cheated!!

As much progress as I think I have made in this acceptance phase, there are days when I wish it could still happen, that I could still get that phone call that says.."we have a baby for you"...

You Want to Have a Baby?? It Will Cost You..

If you are one of the lucky one's in the fertile world, you got to have your babies for free..you only have the expense of raising them..for those less fortunate, it will cost thousands..and that's if it works the first time.

The cost to do IVF in the US is $8,000 - $15,000 with the national average being $12,400..in most cases, this is NOT covered by your health insurance. If you need to use Donor Eggs with your IVF, you are looking at $20,000 to $28,000, also not covered by your health insurance.

When you mention to someone struggling through Infertility "Just Adopt" or "go find a Surrogate"..sounds easy enough right?, but do you know how much that costs??

Domestic Adoption can run from $20,000 to $55,000 and varies from agency to agency as well as state to state. International Adoption can run from $30,000 to $65,000 and varies on the country.

Surrogacy is also crazy expensive...it helps to have a loving friend or family member offer to do this for you...a lot to ask, but saves you thousands!! Here is the breakdown of a Surrogacy cycle:

$ 7,900 Agency Fee

$20,000 Surrogate Fee (first time surrogate. Experienced surrogate will ask a higher fee, typically $25,000 to $35,000.)

$500 to $3,500 Surrogate travel ($500 to $3500, depending on how many times your clinic wants to see her and how long she must stay. If surrogate in same state and close enough to drive this will also reduce this expense)

Surrogate extras: (these fees can vary depending on the surrogate).

$ 750 Transfer fee (for undergoing the IVF procedure)

$ 600 Maternity clothes
$ 300 Life Insurance

$500 to $1000 Invasive Procedure (if Surrogate must undergo Selective Reduction, Termination, D & C, Amniocentesis, etc)

$4,000 Loss of Reproductive Organ (Varies. Some surrogates will ask for compensation if they lose a reproductive organ)

$5000 Multiples (per additional fetus she carries)

$ 250/month Monthly Allowance (for vitamins, local travel, co pays,etc. Starts with contracts and ends three months after birth.

Lost Wages: Varies

$ 500 Psych Evaluation (experienced surrogate will already have had this done)

$ 7,250 Attorney Fees (Varies from one attorney to another. Typically $3000 to draft, $750 to review with surrogate, $3500 for pre birth order . Most attorneys charge this fee, some are slightly less, some slightly higher)

TOTAL ANTICIPATED FEES for Surrogacy: $40,900 to $62,900 (higher end would be if using experienced surrogate and she asks a higher fee, if she conceives multiples, if she's out of state and travels, if she loses reproductive organ, etc. This total does not include possibility of surrogate ending up on bed rest and needing lost wages, childcare, and does not include medical expenses.)

But wait....there's more added to this...

Cost of surrogate meds and IVF procedure:

Surrogate meds: approx. $4,000

IVF Procedure: approx. $5,000 - $12,000 (can be somewhat lower/higher...depends on clinic you choose and their fees)

Surrogate monitoring: $1,000 (if surrogate is out of state, a clinic close to her will perform her first few monitoring appts. This minimizes the amount of time she must travel, thereby minimizing your expense. This does not end up costing you more, because your clinic will do a few less, and should offset their charges accordingly)

Surrogate testing: $2,000

Intended Parent testing: $2000 (varies depending on if your insurance covers this or not. This includes STD testing, semen analysis and anything else your clinic feels is necessary.)

Total Estimated Medical Expenses: $ 14,000 to $21,000 (This total does not include possibility of having to undergo FET if first IVF is not successful, etc.)

So you are looking at nearly $80k to use a surrogate...CRAZY!!!!!!!! So, not so easy, unless you have this kind of money hanging around.

My goal is to start a non profit foundation to help couples afford whatever they chose to do to have a family..I wish something like that would have been available for us, but now that our journey is over, I would love to help people in the same situation. If you have any ideas on where I need to start, I would love to hear from you..

All Alone?

I get asked all the time if we are going to be lonely when we're old...well,...I don't have that answer...but I really hope not. We are an active couple, and have lots of interests and I don't see that changing over the years. We are at this point fulfilled with our lives and barring some unforseen illness I pray it stays that way.

Having children in no way guarantees that you will not be lonely when you are older. Kids move away, get married and start families of their own...why would anyone want their child to stay around them just because they might be lonely someday? To me that is the most selfish reason to have children.

We have a bucket list of things we want to see, do and accomplish and the fact that we aren't going to have children now, allows us the time and money to do these things and quite honestly, it excites me and I never thought I would feel this way..I always figured I would feel as if something was missing by not having children, but I'm learning through this process of acceptance that I will not die from not having kids, that I will still have a life to do what I want and so the saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is really true....at least for me..

Just Adopt

Just Adopt....two simple words...seems easy enough, there are a lot of kids out there that need loving parents and a good home, right?? While you are very right, it just isn't that easy.

After our failed Donor Egg attempt, it was time to regroup and figure what our next move would be..do we try again and risk our emotions if it failed, or do we move on to the sure thing..adoption? It was not a decision to take lightly so we sat on it for a bit..probably longer than we should have..in the meantime, I was still buying into the miracle stories..maybe I would get pregnant by some odd twist of fate...and I did..but being that I was 42 and I was told my eggs were bad, it was what they call a Chemical Pregnancy...if you weren't trying to get pregnant, you would never know about this because it happens really early and your period is just late...another blow..I was really getting tired of all the gut wrenching emotions trying to have a baby was causing me and we decided to just live life and see what happened.

About a year or so later, I contacted an Adoption Agency to see where we needed to start because the desire was still so strong for me to be a Mom..I was told that I was too old and that Birthmothers' often liked to give their babies to couples in their early 30's...ouch! I tried to plead my case but she told me to consider International Adoption since it was age friendly..I contacted 2 more domestic agencies and was told the exact same thing....getting a newborn at my age would likely be impossible.

Let me just say, I have nothing against International Adoption, it is a wonderful option and have seen many friends realize their dream of having a child this way, but I just couldn't wrap my head around it...it never seemed right for us, and honestly, I felt cheated and I wanted a newborn..selfish I know.

As more time passed, I started to panic a little...where on earth do we go with this...domestic agencies won't consider us...do I just hang out outside of a local high school and approach the first knocked up teen I see??  My logic took over and decided that was not a great idea, so I contacted a local Adoption Attorney and was basically told that they could take my money but I needed to do all the work..advertise, start a website, create fliers...so I did..I bought books on how to market ourselves and went to work!

I sent out our postcards to every Ob/GYN office in town, every local high school guidance counselor, churches...you name it, I sent it there..I created a website and I have to say, it was pretty good..I linked it everywhere I could...but got nothing...nothing!! And so after several months, my husband asked me to take it down and stop all efforts..he felt like we were prostituting ourselves and I have to admit..he was right.

Finally, I got a phone call from my husband's cousin, who is an OB/GYN in our hometown...she had a patient that at that time was around 16 weeks pregnant or so and wanted to give the baby up because she had other children at home and just couldn't afford another...GREAT!!!!! This was it, it was finally going to happen...or was it??

The Birthmother had no prenatal care up to that point and was addicted to Methadone among other drugs..I began researching drug addicted babies, asked some nurse friends who worked in the neonatal unit about what they thought, and saw in other like babies...we needed to really think about this and wait for her 20 week ultrasound to see if the baby had certain markers...in the meantime, my Dad became very ill and we were called home...he died in January of 2012...the baby honestly was the last thing on my mind.

The baby was born 6 weeks early, and she had a lot of problems because of the Methadone as well as being premature and we had to pass on the adoption..we had never signed anything, never met with the mother, but my husband's cousin thought we would want her so she called us first. I felt awful about that sweet baby...all alone in the hospital's neonatal unit withdrawing from drugs...it broke my heart...I understand that she was adopted shortly after by a loving couple, so that does make me feel better....later, after beating myself up for rejecting this baby, I remembered praying...."please god, please just send a baby to us"...I never asked for the baby to be healthy...I learned a lot from that...be careful what you pray for...God IS listening!!

Alternate Routes

First let me just say, I am a HUGE proponent of using Donor Eggs to complete your family and I am grateful that this is an option but, when you are seated across from a Doctor and he’s telling you that you will never have your own biological child..it’s heartbreaking..and you must go through the grieving process before you can move forward..at least I did.

I wanted to be a Mom for as long as I can remember…well, not just A mom…I wanted to be a Mom to MY child. Having been adopted as a baby, I never got what other people got…a connection. Most of my friends knew who they looked like, who’s eyes they had or chin…I didn’t…and I wanted so badly a chance to have that connection with my own kids and I never wanted any child of mine to not know where they came from or who’s eyes they had.

Being adopted comes with stigma, fear of abandonment, rejection and it was not easy growing up and not fitting in with your family. I know that my adoptive parents loved me, that was never the issue, the issue for me was the genetic connection..who’s eyes did I have, who’s nose?  I didn’t look like my parents…they both had blue eyes and our noses were very different and the only way I would ever have that was through my children.

But that was not to be and time was ticking and I had too much love inside me and knew I could love any baby, especially my husband's…I grieved my never to be born genetic children and began researching IVF using Donor Eggs..I poured over statistics at local clinics and made my appointment at the “Big” clinic here in Charlotte…I met with a sterile Doctor with no personality that told me that I had a year long wait to find a donor at their clinic and if I would like to move forward, to please pay a deposit on my way out..uh…no thank you…Just about the same time, a story was on MSN of a couple who had started a company in Ohio that took people to the Czech Republic for Donor Egg IVF..it was like a vacation, you got to site see and get IVF for way cheaper than you could ever do it in the states…I was all over this!!

I found a support board with women who had already gone over and had wonderful experiences with not only the vacation part but with the clinic and the Doctor…I was sold..now I just needed to get my husband on board.

Once my husband looked everything over, we contacted the agency, put down our deposit and we were ready to go..The donor process is much quicker over there as they have several universities that they recruit the donors from..you send the clinic a picture of you and your husband and your “wish” list and they match you up with a girl pretty quickly.

Getting ready for the cycle was fun…NOT!! Being that you are not at the clinic, you have to inject yourself with the appropriate meds and I have never done anything like that in my life…AND, I’m deathly afraid of needles…but this shot had to happen and no one else would do it so I had to put my big girl pants on and jam that needle into my leg..I did it…(still not sure how) and to mess with my husband..I had a lot of blood on my shirt from where I cut myself opening the meds bottle but he didn’t know that, so I went downstairs and I swear he nearly fainted when he saw the blood..and I just simply said to him..”told you I didn’t know what I was doing”…it was mean but necessary.

It was time for us to leave..we were so excited….nervous but excited! We were armed with translation books, meds, dvds to watch since we were told there was only 1 English tv channel..CNN, I think and warm clothing..it was November in the Czech Republic.

Once we arrived at our Pension (hotel), we met several other American couples that were there for treatment as well and became fast friends with most of them.

On our first appointment visit to the clinic, we were told that our Donor needed more time to “stim” and that our retrieval would be delayed a few days..we were told this was normal and not to worry…easy for them to say…

Retrieval day came and we were told that the procedure had to be stopped as our “Proven” 23 year old Donor had only produced 1 egg…that’s right..1!!  My husband wanted to cancel the rest of the trip and go home but I wanted to see if that 1 egg fertilized..that might just be our baby!! We were assured that our Donor would have 8 eggs the next day, no problem..and we believed this because we needed to and we were several thousand miles away and several thousand dollars in to the trip..

The next day, we were told that they retrieved another 8 eggs from her and that 7 fertilized including the 1 from the day before and that once they divided, we had 3 excellent eggs that they would transfer into me…as the procedure started, I remember it being quite painful, to the point of tears…I was doing my best to think positive but it really hurt. I was also concerned that I didn’t get to see the procedure on the big screen as others did..that was a red flag as were other things that happened.

Flash forward a few weeks…the week of Thanksgiving actually..we found out that we were not pregnant…I could barely contain myself as I talked to the nurse on the phone..my husband just held me as I sobbed..I just couldn’t believe it didn’t work…in my heart of hearts, one of two things happened…there were no embryos transferred (in the IVF world, you don’t go from having 1 egg to 8 eggs the next day..it doesn’t happen and I believe the donor screwed up) or it was just bad luck…I guess we will never know now, but I could never bring myself to do another cycle…my fear was greater than my want and I didn’t want to ever experience that pain again...so we decide to move on to adoption....a sure thing...right?? Wrong....

A Day In The Life

Infertility is not something I would wish on anyone but for those of you that have never experienced it, it might be good for you to understand what I, and others like me have gone through to try and conceive a baby.

We all know how this works...you meet the man of your dreams, you get married and you get pregnant right? WRONG!!!  If you are one of the "lucky" ones and it worked this way for you, good for you..god bless! But for some of us, we need help and a lot of money!

When we started trying for our family, I never thought for a second there would be a problem, but by the 5th month of trying and nothing was happening, I started to panic. I was told by two different doctors to relax and quit trying so hard, that it would happen..neither of them did any tests and told me to come back in a year if I still hadn't gotten pregnant....a year?? Didn't they hear my clock ticking away...I was 35, not exactly a spring chicken when it comes to getting pregnant as I would learn.

I invested in Ovulation Predictor Kits, Thermometers, books, supplements, not to mention all the pregnancy tests, went online to "talk" to other women in the same boat...my life became consumed with trying to have a baby...sex became "timed"..it became a job more or less and I never thought for a minute about how my husband felt about all of this..I was a crazy lady on a mission!!

Finally after a self induced break (we moved to Arizona), I became pregnant...woohoo!! I was on top of the world but after 12 weeks, we learned that the baby was not in my uterus but in my right tube and would have to be terminated to save my life...I not only lost my one and only baby, but my fertility as well. It was a lot to take in and sent me into a deep downward spiral of depression.

We learned that my remaining Fallopian Tube was damaged beyond repair and that it would be a miracle if I ever were to get pregnant again...I believe it was less than a 2% chance. We met with specialists and were told that the only way we could have a baby at this point was through IVF since it bypassed the Fallopian Tubes... ok, great when do we start?? Not so fast.....as we started all the tests required for IVF, we received another blow...I had limited egg quantity left...what?? wait, I'm only 36, how can this be??? The technical term is called Premature Ovarian Failure....our chances went from 20% with IVF to less than 5% with my old eggs, but they would be happy to take our money if we wanted to try..all  for the low, low price of $25K. 

I remember sitting in the car after we left the specialist's office with all the words that we were just told swirling in my head...we couldn't even talk to each other..years later when I saw the movie "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" and Jennifer Garner's character basically gets the same news, I must have had that same look on my face..we were devastated.

Now comes the part where a miracle is supposed to happen..because everyone knows someone who knows someone that had the same thing happen and they got pregnant so you of course buy into that because you are so desperate for a baby you start to believe it can happen for you too...so the whole vicious cycle starts all over again...tracking your temperature, buying ovulation kits, and timed sex all in the hopes that a miracle will happen....and it never does and then you accept that the miracle is not going to happen and start saving your money to do IVF.

It doesn't always work the first time...are you kidding me???!!! I used a 23 year old's eggs and it didn't work...someone kill me now...all the money, all the drugs, all the time and it just was explained as bad luck..I am still scratching my head about that and it's been 5 years..

I will say that for those of you that are fortunate enough not to go through this roller coaster of Infertility..be mindful of blurting out "We only did it once" or "We weren't even trying" with a giggle..you never know who is listening and going through the hell that I went through.

You're a Family?

Someone said to me recently “You don’t understand, you don’t have a family, it’s just you and your husband”…ouch!! That stings a bit and when someone is stupid enough to say things like this, I really would like to hurt them. …if you look up the definition of a family in the dictionary it states “a family is a group of individuals living under one roof”.

It doesn’t make us any less of a family because there aren’t children in our home. We’ve heard statements from others like “Christmas is only for children, you must feel so lonely”. The assumption is that a family has to have or needs children, or that a couple without children is a childless couple rather than a family. This could not be further from the truth…if you knew us, you would know what big kids we are when it comes to the holidays, we “Griswold” up our house as if we did have kids and honestly, we never feel lonely..we have plenty of little ones in our lives that give us joy and it seems the older I get, the happier I am that I can send them back to their parents and have my peaceful life back.

I’m learning throughout this acceptance process, that you can still live a very fulfilled life without having children. Being married without kids allows you to really get to know yourself and your spouse on a more intimate level. Your time and attention aren’t divided, allowing you to devote yourself more fully to your spouse and to the things you enjoy together. That’s always a plus!

We did not choose this childless life, it is what’s been handed to us, but we are making the best of it and neither my husband or myself feel less of a person because it didn’t happen…our life is just as important as those with children.