Finding Purpose

Sometimes I feel like all of the plans I have made for my future mean nothing if I can't be a mom. There are days when I feel stuck, like my purpose is slipping away. If I am not meant to be a mom, what then will I be? How could I bring any value into the world when my perception of my future included children and that dream is escaping me?

Finding My Purpose.....

When you are struggling with infertility and facing childlessness, you start to question your very purpose on this planet and the role you are intended to play. You sort of drift from thing to thing, trying to find contentment but it doesn't come.

So how do we know when we have found our purpose?

1). It brings you great joy when you do it.

2). Time ceases to exist when you do it.

3). Your purpose serves other beings.

4). You feel a bit of magic as you progress on the path. This is the universe smiling upon you.

For me, I've come to realize that writing this Blog makes me feel this way. 

A few years back, after going through the Donor Egg IVF process ourselves, I felt a need to want to help other couples like myself and my husband. I opened my own Egg Donation Agency and named it appropriately "The Greatest Gift". I was able to help one couple from Canada realize their dream and it made me so incredibly happy and I can honestly say that I had all of the "telltale" signs. I would still like to help couples going through Infertility in some capacity and I just don't know what that is yet...but I'm working on it and I hope to share more in the future.

The Glamorous Life?

Living childless in the suburbs can be lonely. Most of the friends we've made in our neighborhood have small children and they have friends in the neighborhood with children the same age, so we don't exactly fit in or get many invites to birthday parties, family-friendly barbecues or game night.

I think they may have this glamorized picture of the child free as partying every weekend night till the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping off our hangovers all day long on Sunday or Jet setting to some exotic local. That is not exactly the life we have or want. My husband and I enjoy quiet nights out on our deck, listening to music, sipping wine and when weather permits, a nice fire...hardly the club scene. Most nights, even on the weekends, we are asleep no later than 10 pm...boring by some standards, but it works for us.

In accepting that we aren't going to have children, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately about what I will  do with my life now that I'm not going to be a mother, and I guess the answer is that I will  be doing pretty much the same as I am now, it's just finding the time to do everything I would love to do and also put away the chatter in my head that I've had for the last 12 years about all the things I've put off in waiting for a baby to come. The upside in all of this, is that I’ll most likely still enjoy this freedom ten years from now when my children would have been hitting their teen years and I would have been seriously considering running away. 

So while we won’t be sustaining the stereotype of the jet-setting child free couple, we will be doing something important; we’ll be making the most of what’s turning out to be a very satisfying, if not especially glamorous, life.

A Little Taste

I guess a lot can be said for NOT having kids..you can sleep in, travel, go to nice restaurants ( I'm not talking Olive Garden) and just be...no taking Suzy to soccer practice or Tommy to baseball...no pressures to get everything done in one day because you work, your husband works and the kids are pulling you every direction.

This week I have had my 8 year old niece with me and it is hard work!! She is a good girl and I have enjoyed her company but being responsible for her is time consuming..not that I didn't think it wouldn't be but it's little things that you don't think of when you don't have kids...make sure they brush their teeth, feed them, entertain them, give them snacks, play with them, get them dressed, make sure they change their underwear...not things I am used to doing on a daily basis for anyone other than myself.

I have a new appreciation for parenting and my hat is off to you all...I have come to the conclusion that I like my life and it works for us...as much as I adore my niece, I also adore my space, peace and quiet. I'm sure had I had children, I would have adapted, but being that it didn't happen and I don't really have to adapt... it kind of makes me happy and content.

I'm making progress in this journey, I never thought I would be here...today, it's good to be me..

The Green Eyed Monster

Dealing with Infertility puts you into a dark place sometimes...you can experience depression, loneliness, helplessness and yes, even "The Green Eyed Monster" called Jealousy.

For me, dealing with infertility put me in a state of constant jealously. I was jealous of the pregnant woman in the grocery store. I envied the woman I saw in the mall with a bunch of kids, thinking, she gets four? Four? And I can’t even have ONE?

Every pregnancy, every impending announcement and every child that was born into this world that wasn't mine, seemed to chip away at my soul. I took everything personally.

My co-worker and friend had gotten married and I knew it was just a matter of time before she made her announcement..I would go over my reaction to the news several times in my head so that I got it right and that it didn't appear to be bitchy or over the top sappy.

She and another co-worker would talk when they had a chance about getting pregnant, where they would deliver, baby names, etc., and I would be screaming inside...shut up, shut up..I just wanted it to stop and I wanted to disappear...I even contemplated quitting my job.

When that day came...I honestly don't remember what I said or did...I went numb..I began to hate going to work because I knew once it was announced in the office, everyone all day long would be congratulating her (which of course they should have been) and it would be baby talk 8 hours of my day, every day, for the next 6 months.

I remember feeling horrible that I may have been putting a damper on her good news...well, there's no maybe, I know I did and I adore this girl and to this day it sickens me that I reacted that way.

My jealousy had gotten so bad that I had to go and talk to a therapist about how I was feeling about HER news...pretty pathetic huh??

The fact that this woman is still friends with me, blows me away....she is the most understanding, forgiving, compassionate person I know...I'm not so sure I would have been that way if the roles were reversed and she reacted that way to me.

Fast forward 2 years later and this same friend is pregnant again. We no longer work day to day together, but when she announced her pregnancy this time, a different person showed up that day and gave her the biggest hug and heartfelt congratulations that I never knew I was capable of doing...ever.

Healing is a beautiful thing..

God's Plan??

Maybe this is God's plan for you. Over the years, I have often heard this and other hurtful comments. While I am sure they are not intended that way by most, they in fact are.

I don't believe that God did not want me to be a Mother or my husband a Father. I would have rocked  at being a Mom! There's alot of things in life that I am unsure of and this is NOT one of them.

When you read a story in the paper or see on the news that a mother or father killed their children for what ever reason..that's Gods plan? Really? Or is it God's plan to "give" someone cancer?? I just don't think so and I will never be convinced that it is..it's called life...and it's not always pretty and bad things really do happen to good people and I'm sorry, it's not because it's God's plan.

So,if you know someone who is going through this, keep this in mind as what NOT to say to someone facing Infertility and Childlessness:

 "God has another plan for you. God doesn't want you to be pregnant," Please, please, I beg you, unless God has phoned you up or shown up in your living room with choirs of angels, would you please do me a favor and not be a spokes person for any deity on my behalf. 

 Another of the God ones that should to go unsaid: "Maybe God knew you wouldn't have made a good parent." "God" gives all types of incompetent people children. I know MANY parents that any higher power in its right mind would have never chosen them to care for a houseplant let alone a helpless child.

"You can be a mother to my kids." I know people mean well by this. But, to those of you who say such things, let me tell you that babysitting for your kids is not the same thing as being a parent. It just isn't...and it's really not funny, you may be joking around about it, but it's hurtful all the same.

"Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")

Of course we have...it's not an easy "fix". Adoption is expensive and also emotionally draining. You have to have strangers come into your home, get bio's on you and your husband, references from other people who have witnessed you around children and testify to your character, you have to have your bank accounts/tax returns scrutinized and then be drilled on how you would parent...if that's not enough, you then have to "sell" yourself to a Birth mother, hoping she picks you to raise her child...sound like fun?? Then after your profile "sits" for a while, you are then told you are too old to be picked, that Birth mothers like to give their kids to younger parents...ouch! Then there's foreign adoption which can take years and is even more expensive and you don't get a newborn, you get a toddler in most cases that you don't have any idea what that child may have seen or been through, and for us, it just wasn't the route we wanted to go.

"Get over it, you're making us uncomfortable." I am really sorry for your uncomfortableness, it's not our intention at all...but if you think about it, you asking us to go to dinner with you and your kids, or attend a baby shower or birthday party for your sweet angel, makes us just as uncomfortable.

I am not likely to "just" get over it. This is a wound and emptiness that may be with me forever and something you will never experience (I hope). My inability to produce children has emotional and social consequences that I struggle with, at least to some extent, every day.

My husband and I have survived what is probably one of the biggest challenges we may ever face as a couple and we are still standing. And if I bring the right attitude, every day presents new opportunities to have a happy, fulfilling life as a woman/wife who is not a mother.

If you ask me if I have children and I tell you we couldn't, a simple "I'm sorry" will do -- there is no need for follow up questions, advice or jokes. If I want to tell you more, I will.

In writing this blog, I am for the first time acknowledging my own strength and courage in living with infertility and finally making the decision to be child free.

Reality Bites

TTC...3 simple letters that have defined a decade of my life...a decade!!!  What started out as a beautiful dream of having children with my Prince Charming, turned into a nightmare that includes, a pregnancy, a loss of a pregnancy, a diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure, mangled Fallopian Tubes, Fertility Drugs, failed treatments using my eggs and donor eggs, marital problems, and a failed adoption..whew..I think that about covers it...Oh, did I mention premature menopause at age 44..yep, let's throw that into this mess...at least when I was still cycling there was a chance for that miracle everyone tells you about, now it's final, there will be no miracle.

So now at 47 years old...where do I go from here? How do I pick up the pieces and live my life? Great questions that I don't have the answers to just yet....but I'm working on it and that is what this blog is going to be about...putting my life, our life, back together.

Although the world is full of suffering,

it is full also of the overcoming of it.- Helen Keller

If you are also on this journey, please check out this site for great information and support.

http://www.silentsorority.com/