I believe that my search for and reunion with my biological family has helped tremendously in my finding peace with not only not being able to have children and living a child free life, but with finding out where I came from or knowing my "story" so to speak. It's hard to explain really and I guess at times hard for people to understand..some say, " how does finding your family make you feel at peace about not having children"...well...my answer is that for me, knowing I belong..that I have blood relations..that I come from somewhere is the answer. For so many years I felt like a fraud, like I didn't belong..I really wasn't who my paperwork said I was and yet, now knowing my "story" has made me appreciate who I am even more...that may not make sense to some but does for me.
For such a long time I wanted kids of my own because I always felt alone in this world and those children would be the only blood connection I would ever have and knowing that I would never have that, it left a sadness in me that at times was unbearable and now finding this family makes me realize that I am not alone, that I do come from somewhere, so that in itself is quite healing.
As I spend this last year of my 40's reflecting on the past..it is such a relief to no longer be searching for something..for roots, for acceptance, for closure. I can only look forward to my 50's and beyond with great expectation of what life may bring...adventure, good health (I hope) and most of all making memories with my husband and families that will last me a lifetime...in PEACE.
