Do you Believe?

I've been asked why my husband and I go all out for Christmas when we don't have children...why wouldn't we?? Life doesn't end because we don't have children..Christmas still comes every year.

The fact is, we enjoy Christmas..not the commercialism but the magic..which I believe is a state of mind..We decorate our house inside and out...top to bottom, we bake cookies, get in our pj's and go look at the lights around the neighborhood..all the things you all do with your kids...the season isn't any less magical because we don't have little ones in our house.

The assumption that we hate this holiday or that this holiday is hard for us..is just that..an assumption..the fact is, there is no great time of year..or time of year that's easier..it's hard all the time really, but we choose to live our lives and not let this define us or wallow in self pity.

We've had our share of sadness on Christmas..my Father in Law died on Christmas morning 16 years ago after a long battle with cancer..I never thought that my husband would ever enjoy the holidays after that..but life went on and I think he loves this time of year more than I do.

For us, in our home..Santa exists...magic exists..children or no children.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy 2014!!

I'd Like Some More Please..

It's sad to me that people complain more than they are grateful..for everything...I truly don't think the average person realizes how lucky they are..not with just being able to have children, but to have a roof over their head, to have food on the table..heat/ac...things that are taken for granted every single day. There is always a complaint about something.

You see these people post on Social Media about how perfect their life is, how great their kids are, etc., but honestly if you look back you see alot of blessings in their lives taken for granted...my husband is a jerk, my kids are driving me crazy, I want a bigger car, house, another baby to complete me....why do we always want more...why can't we just be satisfied with what we have and be thankful?

In the grand scheme of things..as much as I feel cheated in life by not being able to have children..I'm also very thankful for what I do have. People ask me what I want for Christmas..I don't want or need anything..I have everything I need and if I don't, I can go get it..there are people that have nothing, people that are on the verge of losing their jobs or homes or marriages or perhaps just suffered the loss of a child, spouse or parent..if I could have anything, I would want my Dad back for 5 minutes of conversation or my baby back to hold for 5 minutes..those are the things that I would want..

So, during this busy, hectic Holiday season..remember what's important..what you do have..not the Tory Burch purse that you think is pretty...

Am I too Sensitive??

Am I too sensitive?? Maybe...

Yesterday I posted something that bothered me on my Facebook wall...I didn't call anyone out by name, just expressing my feelings about what I saw on my news feed and how I found it disturbing..a "friend" posted on their wall in retaliation I guess, that perhaps "people" (me) can't handle the truth and should go live on Sesame Street...the something that bothered me as I scrolled  through my news feed was a picture of an 18 week fetus....this person was trying to make a point regarding abortion...

What this person doesn't understand, is that what I was trying to say is that the picture bothered me...not his abortion stance. I lost a baby at 12 weeks and though I am sure I was never meant to see him, I did, and that little lifeless being was burned into my memory forever...I really think anyone in my shoes would feel the same way and it's really easy to hide behind others and say "I know lots of friends and even my own sisters that have lost babies and they are fine with this picture"...I highly doubt it...many...many people do not see their unborn children....most have early miscarriages before the baby is actually formed. This person has healthy children and has never experienced a loss and I hope never does, and you can get on any soap box you want, I really don't care, but to not have any regard on how that picture might affect others is blatant ignorance..as I've written before, you NEVER know who has fought a battle and while abortion is a serious, serious issue, so is losing a pregnancy, a child, a dream..

Frankly, I would love to live on Sesame Street...it looks a lot better than the "real" world these days...so off I go skipping along singing..."Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street".

The Crazy Aunt

It seems that I am the Aunt to many children these days and I LOVE it!! My best friend's kids call me Aunt Bunny (my unfortunate nickname), a few friends that I work with refer to me as Aunt Mar to their kids, a few of my husband's cousins kids call me Aunt Mary and then of course I have my nieces and nephews that I adore as well.

I love being the crazy silly Aunt that plays games, sings songs and listens to their problems..it makes my heart happy to see these children and my heart hurt when I don't.

I first became an Aunt at the age of 18..my brother and his first wife had a son and I think at the time, I couldn't appreciate being an Aunt to him...we had fun as he grew up and I of course played with him, his brother and other children that my Mother babysat for and I have great memories of those days...but it's nothing like it is now with my niece and nephew and I guess that comes with all the maternal instincts that you gather as you age.

People assume when you don't have kids that you don't like kids and in my case, that couldn't be further from the truth! I adore them and often want to be around them (not in a creepy way). I love their stories when you hear them talking to their friends..I love when they ask you fifteen thousand questions about something and I love seeing their little personalities emerge.

And my most favorite part, the part that I am really good at, is winding them up and sending them home to their parents to deal with..

Altered Life

When an experience changes your life..it's hard to put your emotions into words and convey just how much one word altered your life forever. With infertility we are forced to revisit our losses many times over. The reminders of what might have been are everywhere, every day.

 Society does nothing to acknowledge or accommodate the infertile.. no, it's up to us to accommodate the fertile world. We are forced to adapt, to try to fit in whether it's uncomfortable or not. It's almost like a dirty secret.

As I grow older, I learn that the revisiting of our loss doesn't just come in the form of baby showers,  pregnancy announcements or nursing moms, they also come in the stories of  first birthdays, dance recitals, soccer games, Homecoming, Prom and first dates....we think about all of these things and so wish we could be posting/sharing pics of our kids on Facebook or Instagram instead of being the onlookers...there are days when I wish I had a funny story to share about what my kids did over the weekend or an achievement that they might have accomplished....things that maybe you wouldn't think we think about..but we do....all the time.

When the embryologist in the Czech Republic told us our embryos were among the best looking she'd ever seen, I naturally assumed they'd be brilliant, amazing children. The dreams I had for those sweet, little perfect  embryos were the same dreams that parents have for the children they tuck into bed each night.

But in the "fertile" world, dreams and aspirations for children-to-be don't count. The logic being if you didn't give birth or nurse a child, your loss, like your child, is imaginary. We are simply told to put our big girl pants on, get over it, get a puppy, find a hobby, and just stop thinking about it so much....Oh how I wish it were that easy...

What Dreams May Come

I find myself sometimes dreaming of the baby boy I lost...had we not lost him, he would have turned 11 this year. What would he look like...would he have my husband's dark hair, Italian/Serbian complexion or his dreamy chocolate eyes? Or would he have some of my features...green eyes, lighter hair, lighter skin..freckles maybe? We will never know the answer to these questions, but that's what dreams are for.

I envision him looking a lot like my husband and having my green eyes...he's a sweet boy, never talks back...I know, I know, but it's my dream..he's an honor student, plays golf really well like his Dad and is well liked among his peers. He doesn't roll his eyes when I try to snuggle with him or push me away when I try to kiss his sweet face...he's a good boy all around and we are so proud of him.

In reality, he may have been a handful if he were anything like I hear my husband was ( I don't think I was a handful but maybe my Mom might have a different opinion on that). At the time of my pregnancy, we were thinking of the name William and calling him Will..my husband didn't want him named after him, after all, he is George, my Dad was a George and my Father in Law was a George...too many in just one small family..I'm sure his name would have not stayed Will...but that is what he will be forever known as to us.

A piece of that sweet baby boy will always be with me..I can still see him on the Ultra Sound moving around, doing flips and then a sweet hand came up and gave us a wave...

The Blame Game

My husband has never blamed me for not being able to give him children..never once, and I am very lucky in that regard. I have seen marriages ripped apart due to Infertility and blaming one another. Going through this has only made us stronger and I am and will be forever grateful for this man.

There was a time that I blamed myself...for the loss of our son, and then for my mangled tubes and my inability to ever conceive naturally...I felt guilty for having to spend money to get me pregnant and then when it didn't work, I felt even worse...Infertility can really beat you up...you feel like you're not a woman because you can't do the one thing God made your body to do...you carry ALOT of guilt, shame, and then comes insecurity followed by depression. I'm not going to lie and say our marriage was always roses and sunshine while we were going through all of this, but somehow someway we worked it out and our love was stronger than all the demons that Infertility brought into our life.

There are still times that I feel bad for my husband...there will be no one to carry on the family name and that insecure part of me creeps back in and thinks maybe I should walk away from our marriage so that he can find someone who can give him a child..he's still young and he would be an amazing father..but that creepy demon is put back into the depths of my mind with the reassurance of his love for me and commitment to our life together.