God's Plan??

Maybe this is God's plan for you. Over the years, I have often heard this and other hurtful comments. While I am sure they are not intended that way by most, they in fact are.

I don't believe that God did not want me to be a Mother or my husband a Father. I would have rocked  at being a Mom! There's alot of things in life that I am unsure of and this is NOT one of them.

When you read a story in the paper or see on the news that a mother or father killed their children for what ever reason..that's Gods plan? Really? Or is it God's plan to "give" someone cancer?? I just don't think so and I will never be convinced that it is..it's called life...and it's not always pretty and bad things really do happen to good people and I'm sorry, it's not because it's God's plan.

So,if you know someone who is going through this, keep this in mind as what NOT to say to someone facing Infertility and Childlessness:

 "God has another plan for you. God doesn't want you to be pregnant," Please, please, I beg you, unless God has phoned you up or shown up in your living room with choirs of angels, would you please do me a favor and not be a spokes person for any deity on my behalf. 

 Another of the God ones that should to go unsaid: "Maybe God knew you wouldn't have made a good parent." "God" gives all types of incompetent people children. I know MANY parents that any higher power in its right mind would have never chosen them to care for a houseplant let alone a helpless child.

"You can be a mother to my kids." I know people mean well by this. But, to those of you who say such things, let me tell you that babysitting for your kids is not the same thing as being a parent. It just isn't...and it's really not funny, you may be joking around about it, but it's hurtful all the same.

"Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")

Of course we have...it's not an easy "fix". Adoption is expensive and also emotionally draining. You have to have strangers come into your home, get bio's on you and your husband, references from other people who have witnessed you around children and testify to your character, you have to have your bank accounts/tax returns scrutinized and then be drilled on how you would parent...if that's not enough, you then have to "sell" yourself to a Birth mother, hoping she picks you to raise her child...sound like fun?? Then after your profile "sits" for a while, you are then told you are too old to be picked, that Birth mothers like to give their kids to younger parents...ouch! Then there's foreign adoption which can take years and is even more expensive and you don't get a newborn, you get a toddler in most cases that you don't have any idea what that child may have seen or been through, and for us, it just wasn't the route we wanted to go.

"Get over it, you're making us uncomfortable." I am really sorry for your uncomfortableness, it's not our intention at all...but if you think about it, you asking us to go to dinner with you and your kids, or attend a baby shower or birthday party for your sweet angel, makes us just as uncomfortable.

I am not likely to "just" get over it. This is a wound and emptiness that may be with me forever and something you will never experience (I hope). My inability to produce children has emotional and social consequences that I struggle with, at least to some extent, every day.

My husband and I have survived what is probably one of the biggest challenges we may ever face as a couple and we are still standing. And if I bring the right attitude, every day presents new opportunities to have a happy, fulfilling life as a woman/wife who is not a mother.

If you ask me if I have children and I tell you we couldn't, a simple "I'm sorry" will do -- there is no need for follow up questions, advice or jokes. If I want to tell you more, I will.

In writing this blog, I am for the first time acknowledging my own strength and courage in living with infertility and finally making the decision to be child free.