The Green Eyed Monster

Dealing with Infertility puts you into a dark place sometimes...you can experience depression, loneliness, helplessness and yes, even "The Green Eyed Monster" called Jealousy.

For me, dealing with infertility put me in a state of constant jealously. I was jealous of the pregnant woman in the grocery store. I envied the woman I saw in the mall with a bunch of kids, thinking, she gets four? Four? And I can’t even have ONE?

Every pregnancy, every impending announcement and every child that was born into this world that wasn't mine, seemed to chip away at my soul. I took everything personally.

My co-worker and friend had gotten married and I knew it was just a matter of time before she made her announcement..I would go over my reaction to the news several times in my head so that I got it right and that it didn't appear to be bitchy or over the top sappy.

She and another co-worker would talk when they had a chance about getting pregnant, where they would deliver, baby names, etc., and I would be screaming inside...shut up, shut up..I just wanted it to stop and I wanted to disappear...I even contemplated quitting my job.

When that day came...I honestly don't remember what I said or did...I went numb..I began to hate going to work because I knew once it was announced in the office, everyone all day long would be congratulating her (which of course they should have been) and it would be baby talk 8 hours of my day, every day, for the next 6 months.

I remember feeling horrible that I may have been putting a damper on her good news...well, there's no maybe, I know I did and I adore this girl and to this day it sickens me that I reacted that way.

My jealousy had gotten so bad that I had to go and talk to a therapist about how I was feeling about HER news...pretty pathetic huh??

The fact that this woman is still friends with me, blows me away....she is the most understanding, forgiving, compassionate person I know...I'm not so sure I would have been that way if the roles were reversed and she reacted that way to me.

Fast forward 2 years later and this same friend is pregnant again. We no longer work day to day together, but when she announced her pregnancy this time, a different person showed up that day and gave her the biggest hug and heartfelt congratulations that I never knew I was capable of doing...ever.

Healing is a beautiful thing..